I went to a cafe after dropping my children off to school. I then decided to get some coffee before I go back home. I went to a nearby cafe. I went in and asked if I could get a seat. I was told that it was fully booked but that they had space outside the main cafe at the back if I didn’t mind. I took the offer and went to the back. As soon as I walked in I realised the place was full of women and small children. I didn’t think of it much at first, until I started listening to their conversations – they were talking about motherhood, things like how their lives had transformed since becoming mothers. After a while, I noticed more mothers were being sent to the back. It felt like a mothers concentration camp, away from everyone else. I then understood exactly what was going on. This cafe has a place designated solely for mothers and their children. The idea is to isolate them from the rest of the world so that they can enjoy peace inside the cafe. This story was narrated to me by someone who witnessed this incident.
When I heard of this unfortunate incident, I couldn’t help but put myself in their shoes. Motherhood is already a stressful experience on its own. Society doesn’t have to make matters worse! How can you segregate women by relegating them to the back? It definitely feels to me like a form of punishment in a way. It caused me to reminisce on the stories related by the women I interviewed for the “Queen get your Mojo back” book.
Some of the mothers in the book expressed the following:
-Forgotten by society: they described how they felt out of place in society and especially at work. They were not informed of any happenings, promotions or just office gossip because they were considered different. In other words, they didn’t belong anymore. This cafe’s incident is one of the typical examples of how such behaviour can affect mothers psychologically.
-Walking shadow: emphasising the idea of alienation. The women I spoke to said that they felt as if they were not existing. They expressed how they felt as if their feelings were not considered. For example, when they became mothers, they were addressed as someone’s mum – by their children’s names. Also at work, the first thing anyone asks is: “how’s the kids?”. Well, it is not a bad thing but it just demonstrates how women can feel erased.
-Craved for old self: some women expressed how they felt a strong desire to go back in time even for a minute. To relive that freedom just one more time. This is not to say that they were unhappy to be mothers but at times, craving for your old self just felt great. For instance, going back to our café’s incident, they wouldn’t have had that problem in the first place or be sent to the back away from everyone else. They would be treated like valued customers.
This is the identity society imposes on mothers. It just looks at the peripheral and ignores other interesting facts about mothers. If only society could scrape the surface and see beyond motherhood. It will discover a rich well which encompasses these women’s lives. It will discover the talents, the gifts that some of them
possess. The roles they play in society, their contributions and achievements. Society should stop at some point and consider that these women who happen to be mothers can also have other attributes. Some of them are doctors, nurses, politicians, leaders, business tycoons, lawyers, politicians and activists to name a few. It feels like society takes pleasure in reducing mothers to just one role. This is not to say that their role as mothers isn’t important but it should recognise that they are more than just mothers. There is more than what meets the eye!
So in the book, we discovered that some women did experience loss of identity upon becoming mothers. They happily shared some tips which could help working mothers struggling with the same.
The following were mentioned:
-Find a community. There is nothing greater than feeling part of a support system. It just makes things easier. In community you can share your concerns and issues without feeling embarrassed because you are not alone. There are people with similar experiences who get you. Going back to our café’s incident albeit negative, it seems to portray the idea of mothers having each other’s backs! We can assume though they were strangers, they found some synergies which automatically made them connect with each other.
-Acknowledgement: it is said that a cure to any ailment is acknowledgement. When we acknowledge that we are going through a different season or undergoing certain changes that we may not understand, we have to be curious. Curiosity will help us enquire about what is happening to us. We will then notice things that weren’t there before. One of the ways to identify that you are having an identity crisis is when you lose interest in the things that you used to enjoy. The change may not be sudden but gradually you will notice a decline. When you notice any change, please seek help.
-Taking up a hobby: the human brain is designed to be stimulated! We need to find ways to keep ourselves active and enjoy the activity in the process. We are all wired differently therefore it is very normal to enjoy different things. For some of the women in the book, they joined the gym. They felt like they needed to keep up with their health and maintain their figures. For others, it was taking up a new course. They generally wanted to explore a different interest to help mitigate the situation and focus on other tasks.
Life is made up of changes. Change can be ambiguous. It can be very hard to adapt to anything new. But, with the right mindset and willingness we can make it. Motherhood is not exempt. It can be difficult especially when trying to juggle both your work and your home but don’t be disheartened. Just find a system that works for you and adhere to it. You can always learn from others but remember there is no size fits all in this. You got this mama!
Thank you for taking the time to read, Yours Noelle Mapianda – author of Queen Get Your Mojo back! https://amzn.eu/d/2QOZfzJ
